|People mostly cheat because they're unhappy in their relationship but unwilling or unable to talk to their partner about how they feel and what they need, says Toronto-based psychiatrist Marcia Sirota.
Sterling Anderson is handsome, confident and charismatic. It’s easy to see how women might be drawn to him.
The screen and television writer usually pens crisp dialogue and nail-biting scenes featuring helicopter explosions, but his latest project is a far cry from action and adventure.
There’s still a fair amount of drama, though.
“Men keep telling the same old lies and women keep believing them,” says Anderson, who is promoting his new book co-authored with Stephanie Dart, Does He Cheat? Confessions from Men: 50 Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating. (Anderson/Dart, 2011).
Chapters are broken down into confessions from cheating men about the patterns and habits they developed while in the midst of an affair and offer advice to women who suspect their partner of cheating.
“If you really want to know how to protect your jewels, don’t ask a police officer. Ask a thief,” says Anderson. “If you really want to know how men get away with things, ask men who’ve done it. I’ve done it.”
According to the book, telltale signs that a man is cheating can include late-night phone calls, foreign smells, new underwear, loose receipts, lack of public affection, errands that take too long and password protected accounts.
“My wife read the first draft (of the book) and said, ‘My God, if I had read this 10 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.’”
Anderson, who is happily married, admits this project was his way of undoing the wrongs he’s committed.
“People grow up. Men and women get to a certain age where they actually have accountability,” he admits. “And at a certain age in my life, I realized that there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Someone gets hurt.”
Marcia Sirota, a Toronto-based psychiatrist who has written articles about cheating and adultery, says men and women sometimes have different reasons for cheating.
“People mostly cheat because they're unhappy in their relationship but unwilling or unable to talk to their partner about how they feel and what they need,” Sirota says.
“Men sometimes cheat because they have problems with intimacy or because they're selfish and unable to take the commitment of monogamy seriously. Women sometimes cheat to get back at their partner when they're angry but can't express their anger.”
Sirota also cites antisocial tendencies, insensitivity to the feelings of their partner and sex addiction as reasons why men cheat. Women might cheat because they crave more attention, in the bedroom or otherwise.
Not all cheaters are uber-confident Lotharios, Anderson adds. Cheating can actually be a sign of deep-seated insecurity. “Getting someone to like you is the fastest affirmation that you can get,” he says. “It’s like a quick fix. Someone likes me, so I’m worthy.”
What advice does Anderson have for women who still suspect their partner of cheating?
“Just listen. He’ll tell you. Men tell you all the time.”
Sexy Typewriter blogs about her dating failures – online and otherwise – at Sexytypewriter.com