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 In Canada alone, 18% of all couples are unmarried cohabitors. Needless to say, it's not uncommon to see pairs taking their sweet time making those very adult decisions, like getting hitched and buying a house. (Shutterstock.com) |
The words stared out from the pages at me: Playing house. Mock marriage. Relationship purgatory.
Suddenly, something I'd been suspecting for some time was confirmed — I am a little bit married.
A Little Bit Married: How to Know When it's Time to Walk Dow the Aisle or Out the Door is the title of a recently released book by U.S. journalist Hannah Seligson which, through countless interviews and heaps of research, dissects the murky stage of living together without marriage.
"I looked around and saw that this was now a rite of passage," says Seligson.
"The bottom line is prolonged dating has become the new norm."
It's certainly a timely topic. In Canada alone, 18% of all couples are unmarried cohabitors. Needless to say, it's not uncommon to see pairs taking their sweet time making those very adult decisions, like getting hitched and buying a house. Or is it house first, then marriage? Or maybe house, children, marriage?
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Oh, the blurry conundrums of modern-day relationships.
Either way, living together sans I dos can be a hazy and confusing time, one that is riddled with uncertainty and plagued by the question: Where is this going?
As someone who's A Little Bit Married, I choose the single category on government forms and don't share a bank account, mortgage payments or work benefits.
That said, my boyfriend and I have domestic rituals that might look a lot like a marriage.
We share meals, chores, rent and bills. We take care of two very lovely dogs, spend time with one another's families and vacation together. But, I am not a Mrs., nor am I flaunting bling on my ring finger.
Like thousands of folks across Canada and the U.S. already know, sharing space before exchanging vows can be a smart move. It allows you to learn how to live together, discover one another's gross habits and foibles, and figure out how to negotiate life's problems as a team. As noted in Seligson's book, it's like training wheels for marriage, however, simply living together doesn't guarantee you'll be setting up your gift registry and heading for wedded bliss.
"Most people do want to get married," she says.
"(It's important) to be on the same page as your partner before you move in together. I understand how hard it is to bring these topics up. It's the reason why women don't ask for more money - women just don't ask - and I think the same is truth about relationships, but if you're going to be moving in with somebody, you have to be comfortable having these conversations."
But, as Seligson's research shows, it's easy to get stuck in a ring-free rut for years or never learn how to communicate expectations.
When you're A Little Bit Married, life is comprised of hypotheticals: If we get married/have children/buy a house.
At some point, maybe due to basic biology (aka, the baby clock), the issues of timelines have to be discussed.
Yes, it's scary.
After all, you might realize that your plans are very different; that he views cohabitation as a cool, rent-saving strategy rather than a precursor to picking out the perfect princess cut diamond, or that she doesn't desire children after all or was ready to start having them yesterday.
"Why is the onus always on women to think about her fertility and say, 'Look, I want to have kids by a certain age,'" Seligson wonders.
"You're in a relationship with a women, it's time to grow up and start talking about the implications of that."
Quick facts
- 55% of opposite sex cohabiters get married within five years of moving in together
- 40% break up within that same time period
- About 75% say they plan to marry their live-in partners
Career first, marriage second
When my parents got married, it was simple.
They met, dated for a short time and then my dad proposed. While still in their early 20s, they had a house, marriage and a couple of kids. Nowadays, our 20s are consumed with getting an education, seeing the world and building our careers.
"We have this prolonged adolescence," Seligson observes.
"Most men feel grown up when they have a career in place and a steady source of income. They want to feel they are in a stable place career wise before they get married."
Oh, grow up
Peter Pan was make believe ... or was he?
In her book, A Little Bit Married, Seligson tackles the curious curse of the man child. This is the guy who's adult in age, but all boy in lifestyle.
Do you have a Peter Pan on your hands? Here's how to tell:
- He constantly tells you he doesn't feel like a grown up and doesn't seem interested in achieving the milestones of adulthood (i.e., career-tracked job, commitment, financial security) anytime soon.
- He's never dated anyone longer than three months
- He shuts down when you want to talk about the future or any difficult emotional conversation
- He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life and isn't taking steps to figure it out
- He rarely compromises or sacrifices anything for you
- His mom still does his laundry
- You fall somewhere after video games, drink and football on his list of priorities
(Source: A Little Bit Married)