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 (Sun Media files) |
Been stiffed on getting a second date?
One woman believes she may know why. Actually, she has 1,000 reasons that could help explain why some gals turn into one-date wonders.
For her book, Why He Didn't Call You Back, New York Times' bestselling author and relationship coach, Rachel Greenwald, interviewed 1,000 men to figure out why they didn't book follow-up dates with women (and no, it's not because the timing's bad or he's too busy with his career, she says).
Greenwald also insists that pulling the second-date plug usually has nothing to do with his being freshly single, that he's traveling too much, or has intimacy issues, which are some of the top excuses women tell themselves.
"You don't realize how you're misperceived," says Greenwald.
"Men like upbeat, positive women and you might think, 'Oh, I am an upbeat, positive person, I don't have that problem,' " she says, but quickly adds that how we think we're presenting ourselves isn't always so.
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"Sure friends, family and co-workers think you're funny, but they've had a longer period of time to observe you. It's (dating) like in a job interview -- you only have this small window to make a good first impression."
One observation Greenwald makes is that the characteristics that can make a woman successful at the office, like being assertive, in control and wearing a kick-ass power-suit, isn't always enticing over coffee.
Greenwald calls this gal The Boss Lady, and she can seem tough, competitive, independent and, to some guys, masculine and argumentative.
Indeed, these traits may make a woman a competent employee, but according to many of the men she spoke with, a lack of femininity and nurturing traits is a turnoff.
"You're rewarded for that same behaviour during the day and that same behaviour can get you penalized," she explains.
"The initial attraction, guys were telling me ... were based on feminine cues -- if she wore a skirt or had long hair, listened to his point of view."
Sound like dating 101 for 1950s dames?
Well, that might be so, but behind these stringent stereotypes Greenwald makes a good point -- straight guys don't want to date women who seem like men, no matter how well they can close a killer business deal.
"The goal is to survive the first date and get past it," she says.
The author suggests The Boss Lady might try softening herself with the occasional June Cleaver move by preparing a home-cooked meal or baking to show another side to herself.
This idea strikes me as funny because I'd just been speaking with a male friend who, after several dates with a woman, was baffled when she presented him with a pie she'd made. Even though he thought it was a sweet gesture, he also wondered whether this signified she was ready to settle down, get married and have children -- all things he's several years away from doing.
Another friend also came to mind. This smart, sassy, independent and highly attractive woman could easily fall into Greenwald's Boss category, but interestingly, when she brought a man over to her condo for the first time and pointed out photographs of her niece, he got squeamish.
"He panicked!" she told me afterward.
"He thought this meant I was ready to start having babies!"
True, by bringing up these defiant examples I could be perceived by Greenwald as argumentative, but hey, I am on the job here ... meet The Boss Lady indeed.
Thankfully though, we needn't be a Barbie doll or an always agreeable Stepford Wife, Greenwald insists.
"Despite what some women think, men don't want Barbie," she stresses.
"They want someone smart, who's going to challenge them and a woman with a warm demeanour."
tanya.enberg@sunmedia.ca
FIRST DATE DO'S & DON'TS
- Don't bring up your exes (that includes accidentally saying breezy things like, "Oh, we went Costa Rico!" According to Greenwald, "Even if somebody asks you, you may think they've just given you permission to talk about your ex. They haven't. Think of it as a test."
- By putting an effort into your appearance you send the message that you care about the date.
- Something as simple as not leaning forward when you speak can signify disinterest.
- Complaining about everything that went wrong during your day will make you seem negative. By taking a glass-is-half-full approach, you'll score some serious second-date points.
- Enliven the conversation by sharing opinions and asking questions. This also brings energy to a date and makes a great first impression.