  Timeliness is essential to telling a new partner about health issues and concerns - consider the stage you are at with your relationship and the level of trust. (Shutterstock.com)
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When is the best time to tell a new partner about issues affecting our health? And what's the best way to raise the matter with sensitivity and tact?
Many of us live with health issues or medical conditions that are an intrinsic part of who we are -- conditions we deal with day in day out, often for life. And there will come a time when we need to discuss a potentially sensitive health issue with a new partner.
When to Raise the Issue
There are no clear-cut guidelines other than your own common sense when it comes to choosing an appropriate time to discuss your health concerns. Timeliness is essential and you should consider the stage you are at with your relationship and the level of trust you currently share with your partner.
"I went through menopause very early at 25," says Tamara, "and as a result, I can't have children. It's a big issue for me and definitely something I feel the need to share with a prospective partner before things get too serious, usually after we've been seeing each other a few months," she says.
Let's Talk About Sex
Medical conditions and illnesses that relate to sex or physical intimacy are best discussed early in a relationship. "If it's something that might affect your sexual relationship or other elements of your developing relationship, then I think it's important that that be discussed earlier rather than later," says Anne Hollonds, CEO of Relationships Australia, one of Australia's largest community-based organizations providing relationship support.
Having a sexually transmitted infection is something that responsible, mature adults need to discuss early in a relationship -- well before any physical intimacy occurs. The stigma associated with STIs often prevents people from revealing their health status and thus putting their new partner at risk of infection.
Something More Serious
If you have a serious medical condition, illnesses or disability, choosing your time wisely is essential. In some cases, it is inappropriate to raise the issue too soon.
"For example, if you're infertile -- and you know that -- it might not be the sort of thing you mention on the first date but it might be something that you feel is important to be said before the relationship develops a lot further, because that can be quite a surprise to the other person," says Hollonds.
"It's easier to say these things before there's too much emotional involvement. The longer you hold onto this information -- and the more emotionally connected you become -- it gets harder somehow, paradoxically," she adds.
How to Raise the Issue
Having a sense that the relationship is going somewhere is an important factor in deciding to reveal details of a medical condition or illness. "The problem is that if you're very anxious about it, you're likely to blurt it out very, very early or, conversely, hang onto the information far too long," says Hollonds. "It might be hard to tell personal things to a person you don't know very well but in some ways, the sooner that you can, the better," she says adding that there is a balance between revealing too much too soon to a person you have a limited level of trust with.
What to Say
When raising a sensitive issue with a new partner, it's often beneficial to practice what you're going to say before you get down to it. This can help reduce your fears by allowing you to phrase things correctly and think about how things will sound out loud. Start by letting your partner know that you see a future with them and because of this, you need to be honest with them about your health.
"Rehearse some of the possible ways of raising it and even talk about what is the worst case scenario," says Hollonds, adding that identifying the 'worse case scenario' is a useful aid in overcoming anxiety about the issue. "Do you fear she'll run screaming from the room? It sounds ridiculous, but if you actually label what the fears are, say them out loud or write them down, then it's quite likely that nothing that bad will happen and it will give you greater confidence to proceed," she says.
Involving Your Partner
When you're telling your partner about your illness or medical condition, let them know how they might be able to assist you in an emergency. For example, if you have a life-threatening allergy to a certain food, tell your partner what they must do in the event that you have an attack.
Martin has a severe peanut allergy and tells his dates straight up of the implications of his condition. "I carry an Epipen, which is used to give me an injection in case I accidentally eat anything with nuts in it. I usually let my date know about it [the peanut allergy] and what needs to be done if I have a reaction," he says.
And as with discussing any issue in a healthy relationship, the key is open, honest communication and respectful listening. "The thing is to let the other person know, 'This is really hard for me to talk about. I feel anxious about this but I think it's important that we talk about this now,'" says Hollonds.
Top Things to Remember
- Choose your time wisely keeping in mind the stage you are at with your relationship and the level of trust you currently share with your partner
- Think about what you are going to say and rehearse with a friend or counselor
- Anticipate your partner asking questions -- have facts about your illness or condition on hand
- Think of the worse case scenario -- things rarely turn out as badly as we imagine they might.
