The best sex & love quotes ever

"Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex." (Comstock)

Ambrose Diaz - Click by Lavalife

, Last Updated: 3:52 PM ET

With a new year having begun, it's time to take stock, to assess your emotional inventory and see where you stand before blazing forward.

With that in mind, we have gathered some of the greatest, funniest, weirdest and most prescient sex-and-dating utterances through the ages as a springboard to your soul-searching... or to use as a handy time-wasting diversion. Your choice.

On Marriage...

"What a happy and holy fashion it is that those who love one another should rest on the same pillow."
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- Rita Rudner

(I guess we've become a little more jaded since Hawthorne's time.)

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
- Mickey Rooney

"The appropriate age for marriage is around 18 for girls and 37 for men."
- Aristotle

(Who knew that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were such well-read students of Aristotle's works?)

On Marriage and Sex...

"God created sex. Priests created marriage."
- Voltaire

"A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing."
- W. Somerset Maugham

"Extra-marital sex is as overrated as pre-marital sex. And marital sex, come to think of it."
- Simon Gray

"I know nothing about sex, because I was always married."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

(Nine marriages -- you must have learned something!)

On Masturbation...

"The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it."
- Truman Capote

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation."
- Lily Tomlin

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."
- George Carlin

On Orgasms...

"An orgasm is just a reflex, like a sneeze."
- Ruth Westheimer

(Way to take the magic out of sex, Doctor).

"An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away."
- Mae West

(Hopefully, it keeps Doctor Ruth away. Way to go Mae!)

On Sex...

"Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex."
- Barbara Cartland

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
- Woody Allen

(As with most Woody Allen quotes, you wonder whether you should put it in the 'sex' section or the 'masturbation' section).

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
- Billy Crystal

(If by "place" you mean, "parking lot," then yes).

"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex."
- Billy Joel

(Have you seen Billy Joel lately? I think he's been avoiding lots of bad sex).

On Kissing...

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
- Ingrid Bergman

"Kissing don't last; cookery do."
- George Meredith

(My cooking lasts longer than you'd ever want it to).

On Virginity...

"The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity."
- Ambrose Bierce

"Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions."
- Aldous Huxley

(OK, Ambrose and Aldous disagree. Can someone break the tie?)

"We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition."
- Alex Comfort

(Thank you, Alex).

On Infidelity...

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."
- Ken Hammond

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
- Steve Martin.

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
- W. Somerset Maugham

On Birth Control...

"For birth control, I rely on my personality."
- Milt Abel

"Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."
- Bob Rubin

(It doesn't say anything about that on the box)

"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
- Joan Rivers

(Works for Joan, and probably her daughter too).

On Kink...

"Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken."
- Unknown

(C'mon folks, this was said by "unknown." Feel free to take credit for it yourself).

"I'm all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults."
- Gore Vidal

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
- Emo Philips

"Nature intended women to be our slaves. They are our property."
-Napolean Bonaparte

(Well, he was the first man to suffer from Napoleon complex...)

"I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child."
- Dan Quayle

(Insert uneasy laugh here.)


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