  Parents can be notoriously stubborn when it comes to protecting their offspring. (Comstock)
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We're all adults, yet sometimes our parents still feel they have the right to comment on the people we date -- whether we live at home with them or not.
In certain circumstances, it's perfectly reasonable for them to be concerned, especially if our new love interest exhibits dangerous, illegal or threatening behaviour. But sometimes Ma and Pa simply want something -- or someone -- 'better' for their child.
The signs your parents don't approve of your new partner can be as subtle as a raised eyebrow or as confronting as an out-and-out statement: 'They're just not good enough'. Whatever the symptoms, your parents' unenthusiastic opinion of your loved one will be hard for them to conceal.
If you feel your parents' negative view of you girlfriend or boyfriend is impacting on your relationship, it's time to have a little heart-to-heart with your family and get to the bottom of things. Choose your time wisely. Raising the topic after a frosty family lunch is not ideal. Remember, your role here is the peacemaker, the negotiator, and, in the worse cases, the defence lawyer.
Once you've heard your parents' side of the story, take time to digest what's been said. Don't be offended by their comments. Rather, take them on board, sift through the prejudice, generational differences, and other hang-ups, and get to the essence of what's bothering them. Is there any truth in what they say? Do their observations strike a chord with you, no matter how softly? Sometimes it takes a third party to identify something that those engrossed in a new love fail to see.
Once you've uncovered the heart of the matter, it's up to you how you handle your partner's defence. Are your parents basing their judgement on one incident? Do they have preconceptions based on your partner's social, religious or political views? Are they upset because they always imagined you with someone taller, blonder, or who earns more money? Whatever the objection, be prepared to counter it with a calm, logical response, backed up by facts and examples where possible.
If you believe your parents have misjudged your partner, make an effort to right the wrong. This means giving your parents and your partner appropriate time and space to get to know each other without external influences such as friends, siblings or dear Aunt Florence chiming in with her two cent's worth.
Here's how:
- If you still live at home, arrange a lunch date at a local café or a picnic in the park -- anything to get your parents out of the family home, a place intrinsically linked to their family pride, dreams, ethics and expectations.
- If you're out of home, arrange for your parents to come around for lunch or afternoon tea -- an hour or two is all you need.
- Avoid drinking alcohol at the gathering -- no matter how much you'd love a beer or wine to calm your nerves. Your parents may already object to your partner's drinking habits. Worse still, you or your partner might have one too many and end up saying something you all regret.
If you've tried to reason, discuss and resolve the issue calmly, to no avail, be prepared to limit the time you spend with your family. If your relationship with your partner is serious, you need to demonstrate this to your parents by showing them that you won't tolerate their hostility and negativity towards your loved one. This act sends strong signals to your parents that your relationship is important to you.
As your relationship deepens, even the most inflexible, old-fashioned parents will be forced to acknowledge that things are serious, and that nothing they can say or do can change that.
Don't expect miracles; parents can be notoriously stubborn when it comes to protecting their offspring. But with time, most reasonable folk will retreat from an uncompromising, negative view and adopt one of acceptance, a position that says: 'I'm not happy, but if it's what you want, then I'm happy for you.'
