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Better sex can be yours for the asking.
If you want to have the best possible sex, you've got to be able to say a little bit," said Ottawa sex therapist Sue McGarvie. "It's not fair to expect people to know what you want."
A spicy sex life is coveted by many who may find themselves bogged down in the routine of doing the same position in the sack.
"Most people are dying to try new things," said McGarvie, a radio sex-show host, who recently penned the book Quivering Jello: How to Have Mind-Blowing, Toe Curling Orgasms.
Yet few of us are willing to reveal the erotic things we'd like to try with our other half.
"I would say people are most afraid of speaking to their partners about sex. They would rather cut off their left arm. They are so terrified. It is a huge issue," said McGarvie, who believes good sex is an essential ingredient to a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship.
Communication skills do spill into the bedroom, says Edmonton psychologist Paul Sussman.
"The fact is that sex is simply body English, so I believe that if communication in your relationship is on the whole lousy, then your sex life is going to be lousy," he said. "The place to work on it is then on the business of communication, because that's where it starts."
In a talk with about 200 Canadian university women, McGarvie learned roughly 70% have faked orgasms, less than 10% deemed their sex lives amazing and 40% openly confessed to preferring cuddles and chocolate to bonking.
"Women are faking orgasms, which slams the door on their own pleasure, but they're doing it because their partners are vulnerable and they're worried about their partner's fragile ego," she said.
McGarvie believes men and women equally struggle with sex talk. Part of it is fear-based, that the partner is going to be upset, horrified or reject them.
"Sex is adult play. Sex is where we're most vulnerable. It's where we're allowed to be intimate. When you're that vulnerable and open up to 'I'd really like to do this,' and someone slams you, that's a really big risk," she says.
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This conversation needs to be thoughtful and well planned, agree the pair. Practise saying what you want. Use "I" statements so the person doesn't feel blamed.
Avoid being flip.
"Expressions of tenderness and warm regard interspersed in there will go a long way towards reducing the sting of it," said Sussman.
This type of conversation should never be pillow talk. It's best to chat about your sex life in a neutral setting, such as while going on a walk.
"Don't do it while you're being sexual because it comes across as criticism. When you do it outside the bedroom, it comes across as communication," said McGarvie, who added this is a conversation that needs to be revisited from time to time.
No matter how gently one broaches the topic, the partner on the receiving end may feel hurt.
One must respect a partner's veto on certain requests. If the person refuses to address their sex life, then therapy may be needed.
People need to remember that sex lives often wane as relationships and people age, says Sussman. People use other ways to express tenderness, such as holding hands.
"The appropriate expression of physical attraction and tenderness and connection is absolutely important in any relationship toward the sustaining of it. But I think the manifestation of that as sexuality is probably of decreasing importance as relationships progress."
Unleashing your creative side may bolster your bedroom pleasure, says sex therapist Sue McGarvie.
"You don't have to be elaborate or do anything that makes your partner uncomfortable or anything that's hardcore," she said.
"I'm talking about making a small change and see if you can be silly about that. The more you laugh and can play, the better it will be for your relationship and for the amount of orgasms you experience."