The best way for a stepmom to forge a connection - after dad has a talk with this child - is for her to not try to force a connection or even make a lot of overtures toward the child, says social researcher and author Wednesday Martin. (Shutterstock.com)

Gained stepchildren? Your new marriage could be in danger.

Having stepchildren is a frequent phenomenon and so too second marriages ending in divorce - actually, 60% to 75% break up.

It's clear stepchildren can definitely strain relationships. Stepmotherhood is an emotional rollercoaster, a minefield of challenges, frustrations, rejection and stress.

So just how do you forge a strong, healthy connection with a stepchild?

Don't cave to the cultural pressure to 'win them over'," stresses social researcher and author Wednesday Martin. "There is no simple formula for stepmother success."

"We would like to believe that all it takes for women to succeed in having a happy relationship with their husband's children is to be nice and kind-hearted," says Martin, a stepmother.

That by loving them, they'll love you right back. "Wrong, wrong, wrong!" A stepmother has practically zero control, the least influence of anyone in the entire stepfamily system over how her relationship with the kids develops," says Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do.

Research indicates that only 20% of stepchildren are close to their stepmothers.

"In spite of our cultural conviction that it's all up to the stepmother to make it work, nothing could be further from the truth," says Martin. "Mom, dad, and the child or adult child really have most of the power here in determining how the relationship between stepmom and stepchild will unfold."

Hostility, rejection and anger abound and kids often find themselves in a loyalty bind, while the mistreated stepmom gets little support.

"If your stepchild is in a loyalty bind on this end, has a mom who badmouths you and your husband for remarrying, you have to accept it and tailor your campaign accordingly," says Martin, of www.wednesdaymartin.com.

The best way to win a child over is this: don't try to win him or her over, stresses Martin. Don't expend a lot of effort beyond being open and being yourself, focusing on your marriage and your own happiness and your own life, and being as welcoming as you can."

According to Martin, research shows that "if a child of any age is in a loyalty bind, the more attractive the child finds the idea of a relationship with stepmom, the more he or she likes stepmom, and the more stepmom attempts the build a connection, the more roundly she will be rejected!"

The best way to forge a connection - after dad has a talk with this child - is for stepmom to not try to force a connection or even make a lot of overtures toward the child, adds Martin.

Hang back and follow the child's or young adult or adult child's lead, she says. When the opportunity presents itself, do "shoulder-to-shoulder activities," like cooking together, or doing a puzzle, or arts and crafts activities, or watching a DVD, suggests Martin, rather than "eyeball to eyeball activities" like going out for a meal just the two of you.

Stepfamily members, unlike first family members, bond through one-on-one experiences. Also give the child of any age plenty of alone time with daddy.

Let them come to you, she adds. "Be realistic and relax your expectations of yourself as a stepmom. This may be the very best way to let something unfold organically in time."

According to expert Rachelle Katz, stepmothers should do less work and allow their husbands to do the majority of parenting. Rather than focus exclusively on being a stepmother, these women should maintain their friendships, hobbies and a well-balanced life.

Women often believe that they can become integrated into their new family by working hard, says Katz, so they take on too many tasks, such as cooking, cleaning, and chauffeuring. No good.

"Too often their efforts go unappreciated and stepmothers are left depleted of energy and depressed that their efforts aren't giving them the intimacy that they desire," says Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother: Stay Sane, Empower Yourself, Thrive in Your New Family.

According to Katz, of www.thehappystepmother.com, stepmothers shouldn't feel pressure to love or even like their stepchildren, and should not expect their stepchildren to love or like them. But "everyone in the family does need to be respectful and compassionate of each other, and that is all.

"If the pressure is removed from loving a stepchild, that feeling could grow more naturally, and if it doesn't develop, that's ok too," says the stepmother coach.

Key to eliminating frustrations and fights: Good communication with husbands, clarifying parenting styles and having a united front with children, adds Katz, a psychotherapist in New York.

Martin stresses that having problems in stepfamilies and experiencing feelings like jealousy and resentment don't make you "a bad person, a bad woman or a bad stepmother - they make you normal!" 

Try taking a class

The key to strong stepfamilies is preparation.

Second marriages with children have a high failure rate in the first three years so it would be in the couple's best interest to seriously work on their relationship from the get-go, says stepmother coach Rachelle Katz.

When a problem develops, do not wait the customary six years that most couples do after a problem develops, advises Katz, author of The Happy Stepmother. "The sooner a couple gets help for a problem, the easier it is to remedy it."

The New York psychotherapist strongly believes that all students should take a class in interpersonal relationships as part of the academic curriculum.

"They should be taught about the destructive elements of communication - being defensive, critical, contemptuous and stonewalling - as well as healthy ways to communicate with partners," adds Katz, of www.thehappystepmother.com.

Respectfulness and compassion would go a long way in reducing divorce rates. "Human beings are social and need close relationships. If a marriage fails, they are going to seek another relationship."