Man should leave abusive marriage now

Man should leave abusive marriage now (Fotolia)

Man should leave abusive marriage now (Fotolia)

Amy Dickinson, Special to QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 4:20 PM ET

DEAR AMY: I am 75 years old and very sad. I have been married for 39 years. It has been very rocky.

My wife is very likely bipolar and has serious anxiety and anger issues. She refuses to get medical help. I have had to call the police twice.

She has been verbally abusive and has hit me. I have tried to love her, but she is just impossible.

We have a one-year-old grandson, and during his visit with us she screamed at me, totally out of control. She flies off the handle if I do anything without her permission.

We are each very comfortable financially, but in 39 years I have borne ALL household expenses, and she has saved every penny of her substantial income. She tracks my money.

I often tell myself that I am the biggest fool. Some of my closest friends have told me to get out. I suppose you will tell me the same, but I find it very difficult after 39 years. How should I proceed? Every time I seriously show her I am about to leave, she starts telling me she loves me and cannot do without me.

My daughters have given up on me and do not want to hear my problems anymore. They say I should just up and leave. -- Disheartened

DEAR DISHEARTENED: You are being verbally and physically abused. Your wife is controlling your movements and policing your money. Every time you seem ready to leave, she manipulates you into staying. Your friends and your daughters have urged you to get out.

Please seek professional help immediately. Your marriage has already stolen your sense of well-being; this relationship is bad for your mental, emotional and physical health. It is also bad for your baby grandson. Imagine the impact of witnessing his grandmother screaming at you. Protect him from this by separating.

Please see the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org for guidance on safely leaving this relationship. A concerned friend and/or your daughters can also help. The way to get help is to ask for it: "I want to leave. Please help me do this."

DEAR AMY: I've been dating a woman for the last two years. Within the first three months of dating, I caught her texting an ex-boyfriend in a very flirtatious way. She promised to stop and guaranteed she would tell him not to contact her.

We decided to move in together. When I expressed my reservations about her past indiscretion, she assured me I had nothing to worry about. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Months into living together, I discovered that e-mails and texts had continued. At this point, she said she couldn't promise anything and that their relationship was strictly platonic.

Again, I let it slide, as we were locked in to a lease.

She never resolved anything and refused to acknowledge the pain it caused me. Her way of dealing was to get defensive and leave the room.

My weakness and stupidity allowed me to sweep the whole incident under the rug. I've since discovered that the correspondence continues, and whenever she does anything without me, she seems to visit the area of town where this man lives.

My head tells me to leave now. I sacrificed a lot to be with her, and I've gotten absolutely no measure of compromise and understanding.

What do you think? -- Upset

DEAR UPSET: I think you know what you want to do and what you need to do. And now I think you should do it.

 


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