Senior daters disagree about intimacy

(File photo)

(File photo)

Amy Dickinson, Special to QMI Agency

, Last Updated: 8:07 AM ET

DEAR AMY: I am a good-looking, active senior widower. I look 10 years younger than I am. I've been dating an attractive widow (10 years younger) for nearly a year.

I treated her like a princess, took her to very nice restaurants, movies, concerts, etc. I've helped her financially. She wrote to me, "You're everything to me."

Our relationship seemed fine until a recent lengthy phone conversation, which somehow turned to the subject of sex.

Sex, she says, is the glue to a relationship. I disagree, believing a relationship has to be more substantive to be successful. (Because of physical limitations I can't perform as well as I once did.)

She called me old-fashioned because I disagreed with her assertion that today all women have sex on the second or third date. I contend that not all women jump into bed that quickly (or perhaps not at all). That's when I inexplicably mentioned two previous relationships of hers in which she was sexually active. She blew up at me, said that I had crossed the line and told me not to call her again.

I sent her flowers and a small gift with a note to call me but no response -- not even a thank you.

Despite this, is there a chance for us? I thought she was the companion I've wanted. -- Out of Time in NY

DEAR OUT OF TIME: You and your companion were dancing around an issue very important to both of you. Neither of you is wrong about sex, really -- but your divergent views reflect your relative age and stage in life.

On the one hand, she seems to be asserting that all women have sex early in a relationship (not true). On the other, she is offended, presumably because you dared to imply that by your standards, she is just a wee bit slutty.

Because she feels so strongly about this, she should have been consistent in her response: "Heck yes, buddy -- you betcha!"

This dust-up exposes a bit of a double standard: Women should be able to own their sexual choices free of judgment, and yet it is still considered ungentlemanly to bring up a woman's previous sexual relationships. Furthermore, you know this -- and you did it anyway. Do not wait by the phone; this relationship is over.

DEAR AMY: I'm 24, financially independent and very busy. I work a day job, freelance on the side, play recreational sports, etc.

I visit my parents about once (sometimes twice) a month. They live about 90 minutes away. They don't like to drive to the city, but every time I come home, my father incessantly talks about how I "never visit" and should "really come more often."

He says it so often that it makes me feel uncomfortable, sad and guilty, but I know I'm doing much better than some of my friends who live out of state and never see their folks.

I've tried talking to my mother about how this makes me feel, but she just says not to worry about it. I am so grateful for their love and support, but is there any way I can help them appreciate -- instead of lament -- the time we spend together? -- Only Child

DEAR CHILD: You are sharing your reaction with the wrong person. It's dad's turn to hear this from you:

"Dad, you say this very often. Honestly, it makes me feel terrible. I'm sorry you seem so sad, but I'm doing the best I can."

Make sure he knows that the door opens both ways and that you would treasure a visit from them. Plan a fun fall outing in the city and make a point of inviting them.

DEAR AMY: "No Turkey on the Turnpike" was upset because a family member let her know way in advance that she and her family would not be invited to Thanksgiving dinner this year.

Your answer seemed to discount the implied politeness in letting someone know well ahead of time what the arrangement is so that the family can make other plans. -- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Other readers pointed this out. I appreciate the perspective.

 


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