Try Guy gets acupuncture

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Jordan Whelan, QMI AGENCY

, Last Updated: 4:47 PM ET

Sometimes in life, you simply get what you pay for. In my efforts to explore the world of acupuncture, I ventured out to look for a reputable practitioner in Toronto and by reputable, I mean within walking distance of my house and with a flashy javascript website.

This Try Guy will unfortunately require a bit of use of your imagination as the “treatment” was cut short treading dangerously into an experience that should have come with a steak dinner first (and reminding us all that regulatory oversight may be one of many fleeting virtues). It might be for your own benefit that it was shall we say, sans glamour shots.

Acupuncture originates in China and is based on the belief that stimulating imbalances in energy flow can help to heal pain. Many celebrities are fans of needle therapy. There are the official ones, like Gwyneth Paltrow, and of course the unofficial ones, like Courtney Love. After a thorough exam which included a five second glance at my tongue and pupils, the acupucturist motioned for me to remove my shirt, socks, pants and shoes. Given my history of getting nearly naked for strangers, I felt it was customary to oblige. Little did I realize that what happened next should likely occur under a two drink minimum.

“Listen, the reason I’m here is because I was in a car accident and I’m in a lot of pain in my upper back, so if you could just impale me with a couple of those possibly sterile needles I could be on my merry way,” I explained.

“You’re toxic,” she screamed.

She motioned to my buttocks and nether regions - explaining that they were a faucet of toxins leaking into my body. Needles were immediately applied to the joint of my elbow and inner thigh to promote blood flow to my shoulder, which is a focus on the “chi centre.” This is the type of logic only reserved for those whose medical school consisted of playing the board game, Operation.

An electrical current was attached to each of the needles causing them to twitch, which was nice because up to that point, that’s the only part of me that wasn’t. Suddenly, my body temperature began to drop causing me to cold sweat. The machine had a dim hum; the comforting hum was like listening to myself likely being turned sterile. Let me just say this: Even though I left the clinic chilled and in pain - for $80 - I did experience acupuncture and learned a valuable lesson about my “faucet" along the way.


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