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Mel Gibson is a “rageaholic.”
The celebrity’s recent racist rants and crazed raging against then-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva speak loud and clear to Newton Hightower. He used to be a rageaholic; now he rescues rageaholics from the brink of personal destruction.
“I see men all day, every day, who say these kinds of things to their wives,” says Hightower, an anger management specialist at The Centre for Anger Resolution in Texas.
Rageaholics can’t manage their anger or express it properly. Gibson’s “cussing, screaming, severe name calling and physical violence” are trademark behaviours of these madmen.
“What I hope to see out of Mel Gibson’s angry outbursts is that women who are victims of verbal abuse realize it and take action by telling their husbands to get help or to get out,” says Hightower.
According to the psychotherapist, author and founder of angerbusters.com, rageaholics are like alcoholics – once you start you can’t stop, and you can’t stop from starting.
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“Rageaholics feel/believe that they have to express their anger… There are some people that can’t express anger appropriately and the ability is not coming back in their lifetime - like me!” says Hightower, author of Anger Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them.
So abstinence is the only answer: “Abstinence from feeling anger, no. Abstinence for expressing anger, yes!”
Relationship expert Mary Jo Rapini says that “being a rager is a life of misery” – and so is being married to one. It destroys marriages and “your kids grow up despising you.”
According to Dr. Stuart Fischoff, Gibson’s slur-filled outbursts are likely the product of his authoritative and bigoted upbringing. “He comes by it honestly.”
Add to that narcissism coupled with a sense of self-importance. “Mel sees himself as powerful, entitled and stronger than those less accomplished, so he’s more likely to dump on the socially powerless, those perceived as inferior,” including women, says Fischoff, a professor of media psychology at the California State University at Los Angeles.
And when there’s a “profound sense of betrayal, it unleashes an avalanche of biblical proportions.”
Stress expert Eli Bay says that “Mel is likely a racist ***hole underneath an attractive persona. The sense of entitlement that his looks, talent, wealth and celebrity confer upon him has just left him open to expose who he really is, especially in a media saturated culture that jumps on and publicizes everything.”
Hightower estimates that “5% of us are rageaholics. Some of that percentage are locked up as they should be. The rest of us ragers need to shut up!”
He adds that “the first step is to stop doing what self-help books have been telling you, ‘express your anger!’”
Out of a job?
“We don’t have to like someone to admire their work. Just witness how Roman Polanski and Woody Allen have continued to produce and sell movies. I think we’ll be seeing more Gibson hits,” says Eli Bay, of the Relaxation Response Institute.
Dr. Stuart Fischoff agrees: “The entire rest of the world unloads on their wife. There are a lot of men identifying with him and defending him.”
Express anger in a healthy way:
- Physical activity to decrease the physical response to anger
- Distract yourself
- Breathe slowly and deeply
- Monitor your personal response when angry, both physical and thoughts
- Clear communication to help resolve issue
- Play music that you can enjoy
- Focus on yourself and not the other person
- Take responsibility for your own part of the issue
Courtesy of therapist Jessica Schwey, of thecentreforhealth.com
All work and no play makes for stressed out, angry people
Downtime is imperative. Take breaks throughout the day and use up all your vacation time, recommends wellness expert Beverly Beuermann-King, of worksmartlivesmart.com.
“We need to invest in ourselves so that we have the energy and patience to deal with those difficult situations and people in our lives,” adds Beuermann-King.
- 29% of Canadians polled are working more non-standard hours
- 19.6% are time crunched
- 27.8% care for an elderly dependent
- 16.8% care for an elderly dependent and children
- 47% say they are vacation deprived
- 55% of 25-44 year olds are the most likely to feel vacation deprived
- 24% of Canadians are not using up all of their allotted vacation time
- 30% of Canadians admit to checking work messages while on vacation
- 22% have cancelled or postponed vacation plans because of work
Stats from Harris Decima/Expedia Vacation Deprivation survey
You have a problem managing anger if:
- You hit or yell when you are angry at someone you love.
- Your anger has separated people in your family.
- You drink, eat, smoke, take drugs to manage your anger.
- You always blame someone else for your anger problems.
- You endanger someone’s life.
Courtesy of relationship expert Mary Jo Rapini, of maryjorapini.com