Author of 'How To Get Laid Before the Main Course' dishes on tips

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(Fotolia)

Rita DeMontis, Toronto Sun

, Last Updated: 11:29 AM ET

This book's about as subtle as a frying pan on the forehead — How To Get Laid Before the Main Course: A Gentleman's Approach to The Big Date, written by a mysterious man known only as ViMal, whose suave, sexy English accent apparently makes women swoon.

Okay, I do have a weakness for men with sexy accents, so the book's introduction propelled me past the first chapter.

And ladies, yes — it is a feast.

But not in the way you think.

How To Get Laid Before the Main Course is actually screamingly funny if you take it at face value, yet it's full of insightful tidbits and basic, common-sense information. The language is quite, um — manly, shall we say? And ViMal (a great nome de plume, but apparently that is this CEO's real name) comes by his expert opinion the old fashioned way — listening to the women in his life. Starting with his mom.

"I grew up in a neighborhood full of women — women were my closest friends (and) they gave me the inside track," writes the author. That included his mom, who brought him up to "sincerely compliment a woman," if he thought she looked good or wore something beautiful.

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Then she gave him some simple but amazing recipes that seemed to do the trick. And help him survive when he began his first overseas adventure and launched his romantic rendezvous.

Yes, it's true, the fastest way to someone's heart is through the stomach. A well-turned out dish doesn't hurt, either.

Not that life was easy for ViMal — today he's a successful CEO from Africa, a world traveller who speaks three languages. But, growing up in England he suffered the usual trials and tribulations of many a young man coming of age — pimples, a big nose and yes, he was nerdy.

At university, he certainly wasn't the sports jock or the rocker, but he had his secret weapon: He could cook. And when he was 17 years old, he began his first trip overseas to Germany, where he began to hone his kitchen skills. While in college, he would prepare four-course meals for 15 people in small apartment kitchens. And, after achieving his business goals, he travelled the world, experiencing the different foods and flavours — and femme — from the different countries. "Beautiful, intelligent women from different cultures."

A great meal being the great equalizer in all his conquests, from the sounds of it.

"Over the years I found it didn't matter if I lived in a rundown cold studio with a two-burner stove in England, or a killer apartment overlooking the Pacific Ocean in California — women go for a man who cooks!"

So dish already, ViMal. He offers three specific golden rules:

PREPARE: "All animals have mating rituals and they prepare for them, from working on their appearance to practicing their behaviour. Inviting a female to dine at your cave is a mating ritual. Prepare yourself, prepare your place, prepare your clothes, plan the meal and plan the drinks."

DON'T DO THIS AND DON'T SAY THAT: "Guys who are cocky enough to think they can be disrespectful and don't need to make the effort will find themselves going to bed by themselves. Keep respect and manners in your head at all time." Actually, he wrote something raunchier but this is, after all, a food page.

MELT HER WITH YOUR COOL: "A smile opens a thousand doors and laughter opens millions more. Relax and enjoy the evening. If a woman is not ready she will get turned off it you're undressing her with your eyes and only thinking of jumping her. That is not cool. Engage her with your wit and humour."

Stop snickering — especially you guys out there wondering when your next date's showing up.

ViMal uses pretty basic dialogue — "a woman wants a guy to have his s...t together when she turns up. So do things in advance."

Like what — the laundry?

Speaking of — ViMal does stress cleanliness everywhere, so do go scrub the bathroom and make sure your kitchen, which ultimately is your centre stage, and the opening act for your big night of romance, is pristine. And that includes items like making sure your cutlery "is clean with no dried food or discoloration." Yup, nothing says I love you like finding remnants of yesterday's scrambled egg still desperately clinging to the fork prongs.

ViMal lists one rule I have to disagree with: Pets. He states "as a general rule, lose (your pets) for the evening...the last thing she needs is your dog with its nose in her crotch, or a cat may activate allergies and your chance of getting some."

Well, I beg to differ — pets are one of the best ice breakers and have an ability to make people feel at home right away.

ViMal would most certainly disagree — he describes an evening where he was getting down to business with a woman who had two cats. "As we were getting really intimate, I felt something jump on my back and two sets of claws dug right in. That killed things for the night — we got the cat out of the room after a five-minute chase, but it screamed outside the door all evening."

I'm cheering for the cat, to be honest.

Whether you'll pick up ViMal's book for tips or its surprisingly decent recipes, or for a good laugh — I found it hilarious with a touch of "really?" thrown in for good measure.

He must be doing something right as he's currently living the dream in southern California - rich, established, with thirty of years of success in the seduction department.

And he guarantees that everything in this book is true.

What's my idea of romance? A guy who can cook AND clean!


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